Life’s Savings
Ward’s wasn’t crowded at all. We must’ve missed the lunch rush. The girl taking our order was new. She was blond, tanned, and thick around the middle.
“Tell Paulie to cook it pink for me. He’ll know what I mean,” I said.
She gave me a funny look and jotted it down on her pad. After she was gone, Steve leaned in and whispered, “Did you see the way she was looking at me?”
I shook my head. Looking around Ward’s, I noticed a few more new faces; the girl at the cash register, even some of the cooks. I hoped Paulie was here.
The waitress came back with our burgers.
“Here you go,” she said. “One burger. One pink burger. You really like it like that?”
“You can actually taste the meat,” I said.
She turned up her nose. “I like mine well done. You come in here a lot?”
“It’s on the way to the big Tractor Supply.” I could tell she was flirting with me.
“Are you farmers or something?”
I took a big bite of my burger and nodded. It was more red than pink, but I never could send anything back.
“We are for now. We’re actually opening up a business. Gas station and detail. I’m Steve, by the way.”
“Kaye.”
She looked at me. I swallowed. “Jeff.”
“Wow, a business. That’s exciting.”
“We’re celebrating tonight.”
“There are some good bars here,” she said, tapping her pad. “Not as good as in Maryland, where I’m from. Or New York. But decent.”
“Could I get a cup of coffee when you get the chance?” I said.
“Sure,” she said, jotting it on her pad. “Be right back.”
As she walked away, Steve leaned halfway out the booth to watch her go.
“Get back in your seat,” I said. “The Maxlube? I thought you weren’t using that one anymore.”
“Why wouldn’t I use something that works so well?” Steve said. “Besides, the Maxlube ain’t opening tomorrow, but it will one day.”
We were quiet while we ate. Steve chained smoked the whole time. I might normally tell him to stop while we were eating, but everyone smoked in Ward’s, even the cooks. And to tell you the truth, I enjoyed watching someone smoke; the paper turning to ash, the smoke streaming out of their mouth and floating into the air. Steve’s pack was in the middle of the table. Every now and then, I’d look at them and think about taking one, but all I had to do was wait for the sting to pass. It usually only took a few seconds.
We finished eating and I figured I’d better call Christy. She was a worrier. If she went more than a couple of hours without talking to me she got upset. I’d left her a voice message that morning when she was at cheer camp. She’d be on the way to her summer job at the beach by now. I asked Kaye if I could use the phone. She let me use the one behind the register. I dialed Christy.
“Hello?” she screeched through the traffic.
“Hey baby, what’re you up to?”
“Jeff, get a freaking cell phone. I haven’t heard from you all day.”
“Sorry,” I said. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine. I wanted to tell you I’m cooking lunch for Mama and Daddy tomorrow. Do you want to come?”
“I’ll be there,” I said.
“Good,” she said. She sounded calmer, now that I was cooperating with her plans. I’d learned to only tell her what she wanted to hear, whether it was true or not, for the sake of the baby. I looked around. No one was in the restaurant but me and Steve. He was sitting at the booth, talking to Kaye. All of the sudden, Kaye busted out laughing.
“Who was that?”
“Just the waitress,” I said. “It’s weird. Nobody’s in Ward’s. They’re usually packed at this time. It must be an off day.”
“That’s strange,” Christy said. “Listen. I was thinking we could tell Mama and Daddy tomorrow. About the baby.”
“You want to tell them?” I said. My hand went to the pocket where my cigarettes would be.
“I’m six weeks. We got to tell them sometime.”
“Yeah, um. Tomorrow?”
Christy sighed. “Just say okay, Jeff.”
“Okay.”
Back at the table, Steve was counting out the leftover twenties Dad had given him for the Tractor Supply. Kaye was chatting with the girl at the cash register.
“Kaye says there’s a Mexican cantina down the road. We can go there before we hit up downtown.”
My stomach gurgled. I slid into the booth. The burger was pushing its way through my stomach, heavy as lead.
“What’s wrong with you?” Steve said.
I rubbed my forehead with my palm. I tried to imagine Jim Conner’s face when we told him. He was big, with the same nose and eyes as Christy. She got her mouth from her mama. They were from Fair Bluff. They said in Fair Bluff they killed people.
“Steve, you know anybody from Fair Bluff?” I said.
“No, son. Those suckers are crazy. You remember Bobby? When he got stabbed out at Heart Beat Bridge? That was a Fair Bluff boy. Something about a woman.”
I looked at the pack of cigarettes in the middle of the table. I always thought they were pretty; the pure white filters wrapped in thin brown paper in rows of circles. I bet if nobody’d ever seen a cigarette before, some modern artist somewhere would come up with that shape and design and some rich person would pay more money than I’d ever seen to have it in their living room.
“Could I get one of those cigarettes?”
“Sure. Go right ahead.”
I picked the pack up. I’d forgotten how the square shape almost fit into my palm. I took one out and put it between my lips. Every muscle in my body relaxed with that hot burn. I inhaled deep to my gut. It was good until the smoke caught on something and I had to cough it up.
“You’re smoking again?”
“No. No. I just needed this last one.”
“Why’d you ever quit?”
I let the cigarette dangle from my lip. “Christy’s pregnant.” I drew on the cigarette again, keeping my eye on the burning red cherry. Greg leaned forward and looked side to side before settling his eyes on me.
“It’s yours?”
“Yep.”
“You sure?”
“Yes I’m sure.”
Steve snubbed out his lit cigarette. “I’m going to need a smoke after that,” he said. He lit up another one, inhaled deep, smiled. “Man, this is perfect.”
“How is this perfect?” I said.
“Tonight can be your bachelor party because I know Christy won’t let me throw you one.”
I took the last draw of my cigarette. I’d gotten right down to the filter in just a few puffs. My insides rumbled.
“Kaye’s got this friend, too,” Steve said. He nodded toward the girl at the cash register. “Lorraine. Real classy, according to Kaye. I think they’ve, you know, done stuff together. Anyway, I got you covered, man.” He swatted me on the back.
“I don’t need to be covered.”
“This is your bachelor party, son, we got to do this right. You’ll thank me. You’ll see.”
“I ain’t in it for the money,” Steve was saying. “I’m in it for a job well done. At Maxlube, caring for your car is our art.”
“Wow,” Kaye said.
He’d been saying the same few things since we got to the cantina, about two hours ago. The place whatn’t bad. There was something similar in Whiteville. Old-timers and college kids danced on the small dance floor, sang karaoke, and ordered pitchers of margaritas and beer. The air was thick with cigarette smoke. We’d stopped at the Citgo and bought a fresh carton.
Kaye’s friend whatn’t so bad either. I was worried she’d be looking to me to keep her company, but mostly she kept to herself. She said she was majoring in behavioral psychology. I’d taken a psych class or two at State, which I found real interesting.
“You ever try that Pavlov’s Dog thing on real dogs?”
“No,” she said. “I should though.”
“You really should,” I said. “How do we even know it works? Just cause Pavlov says so? I bet nobody’s tried that experiment in fifty years. You could prove it wrong. Then you’d be famous.”
“You have some interesting theories, Jeff.”
“I’ve only just begun.”
Lorraine had long dark hair that stuck out in curls. Her skin was pale, freckled, red in places. At the other end of the table, Kaye had her arms flung around Steve’s neck, whispering intensely into his ear. Lorraine reached out and touched my elbow.
“I have a theory too.” She motioned for me to come closer, and whispered in my ear. “I’ve diagnosed Kaye with narcissistic personality disorder.”
I leaned back. My ear was damp from her breath.
“I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds about right.”
I was on beer four. Or five. We’d taken a couple of shots when we first got there to get started. Steve’s idea. I was warm all over. My stomach was settling. I’d stopped binge drinking after State. Nowadays, I could only drink two or three beers at a time. Tonight, though, the beer and liquor and smoke was tasting so good, I felt like I could carry on all night.
Somebody started singing ‘Redneck Woman.’ Kaye squealed so loud I liked to jump out of my chair.
“This is my song.” She pulled Lorraine onto the dance floor with her.
“You having a good time?” Steve said.
“You know, I am,” I said. “I miss this. Drinking all night, cropping ‘baccer all day. I miss hanging out with you, Steve.”
“Hey man, we’ll still get together. I’m sure Mom’ll sit for you sometimes. And Christy’s parents.”
My stomach jumped. I took the last sip of my beer. It was warm and sour. We watched Kaye and Lorraine out on the dance floor. Kaye was grinding on Lorraine suggestively. Lorraine seemed amused. They waved to us. We waved back.
I borrowed Steve’s phone and went to the restroom. Then, I went outside to call Christy. It was barely dark. The scorching sun was gone and the heat leftover was near perfect. I finished my cig before I called so she wouldn’t hear me puffing. I straightened my back, cleared my throat and dialed Christy.
“You’re still in Wilmington?” she said. I could picture her sitting in the living room of the house her grandma had left her. It had green vinyl siding and was so close to the railroad tracks the windows shook whenever a train went by.
“Where are you now?” she said.
“At this cantina. Having a few drinks.”
“Are there girls there?”
“No, just me and Steve.”
“You’re at a bar, with Steve, and there are no girls?” she said. Her voice came out so pouty, I had to giggle a little. She taught third grade, and sometimes I swore she picked up the voice cadences of her kids.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Okay, okay. There are girls at the cantina and Steve is probably talking to one of them right now. But there are no girls with me.” Christy was quiet. “You there?” I said
“You’re not even worried, are you?”
“Worried?”
“About tomorrow when we tell Mama and Daddy.”
“Christy, baby,” I said. “Of course I’m worried. I’m scared to death of your daddy. And your mama.”
Her voice got real low. “I’m worried, too, Jeff. Here I am pregnant for over a month and you haven’t proposed to me. How do you think that’s going to look?” There was a muffled sound. I pictured her throwing the cordless phone down into the couch. When she picked it back up, she was crying. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m just emotional.”
“I know,” I said.
“And I felt the baby kick today.”
“You did?” I said. “Itn’t too early for that?”
“No,” she said. “He got me square in the kidneys.” She laughed. “It’s a boy. I can feel it.”
All the sudden I was too choked up to talk. When I did, it came out all squeaky and weird. “That’s good, Christy. Real good.”
“When are you getting back?”
“I don’t know. I’ll see if Steve wants to go soon.”
She huffed. “Listen, I don’t care what you do. Just don’t be late tomorrow.”
“I won’t,” I said. “And Christy. Don’t worry.”
I flipped the phone closed. I hung outside a little longer, smoking and pacing. Back inside, Lorraine sat by herself while Steve and Kaye canoodled. Lorraine’s cheeks were pink and her mouth was redder than before. Her skin sparkled with sweat, probably from dancing.
“How long have you been sitting here watching this?” I said.
“All my life,” Lorraine said.
She turned her head to the side. I caught sight of something in the light. It was a hair, sticking out of her chin. Then, I noticed there were a bunch of them. I told myself it was okay.
“By the way, I’ve been able to diagnose your brother as histrionic personality disorder. I mean, don’t take offense or anything. Most people have personality disorders.”
“What do you have?”
She put a finger to the hairs. “It’s hard to diagnose yourself. But I’m pretty sure I’m paranoid.”
“What about me?”
She squinted her eyes, studied my face. “I’m not sure. Though I have to say, you seem stressed. That could be throwing me off. Have you been crying?”
“No,” I said, too quickly and too loud. I picked up a beer and chugged about half of it. Steve and Kaye were making out now. We could hear their slurping over the soft-voiced man on crutches singing karaoke.
“So,” Lorraine said. “A business. Wow. Hey, that must be why you’re stressed.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” I said.
“How did it come about?”
“Come about? Well, one day Steve came to me and said, ‘let’s start a business.’ And he told me all about it and I thought it sounded good.”
“So Steve came up with the idea. What is it you do?”
I touched my face, feeling the hairs that were starting to prick through. “I am an investor. Kind of like an, uh, silent partner. And I’ll answer the phone from time to time.”
She nodded. Smiled. We didn’t have much more to say to each other. We watched people sing karaoke. We listened to Steve and Kaye kiss. She sipped her drink. She seemed fine not talking. And so was I.
I don’t care what you do.
I knew what I had to do. I was going to ask Christy to marry me, raise that kid, by God. I was going to give the both of them my life. But if I was going to do that, then tonight was for me. I thought that was a pretty fair shake.
Steve and Kaye finally came up from making out and were ready for a change of scenery. I was up for anything. Kaye suggested we go to the apartment complex where she and Lorraine lived. She said there was always a party there.
We all took one last shot before we left. The tequila went down harder this time, and almost came back up.
The four of us crammed into the cab of my truck. I drove five miles under the speed limit all the way there even though Steve kept hollering for me to speed up. I didn’t need the cops stopping me in this condition. Steve nuzzled Kaye’s neck while she shouted directions. I could hardly understand her for her giggling.
I took a hard right. Liquid rushed up my throat. I swallowed it down. Lorraine scooted closer beside me. I didn’t know if she was trying to get closer to me or away from Kaye and Steve.
“Are you okay?” she said.
“I’ve felt better.”
I turned my face away from her so she couldn’t smell my breath.
“Here. Turn the air conditioner on.”
“It don’t work.”
“The fan will help then.”
Lorraine flicked the fan on. She pointed both vents straight at me. The air wasn’t cool but it felt good just the same.
“Should of got that burger well done,” Kaye hollered. “The meat was looking gray today.”
Steve howled with laughter. “I told you that was sick, son.”
I hiccupped sour liquid into my mouth. I swallowed it down again.
Lorraine leaned in close and whispered, “Let’s ditch them when we get there. We can hang out at my apartment.”
I nodded, not saying anything. Images of Christy kept popping into my mind, of her crying, screaming at me. Then, smiling, chasing after our kid. I knew I shouldn’t feel guilty. I hadn’t planned for this. If Christy hadn’t of gotten pregnant, who knows if she would’ve been the last woman I ever did. I can’t say I ever imagined she would.
The apartment complex looked like any other; acres of four story buildings, balconies lit with people holding plastic cups, drinking, smoking. After I parked, Lorraine and I hung back while Kaye and Steve ran to a party. Lorraine led me up to her apartment.
Inside was what I expected. The beige walls were covered with posters and picture collages. It was all there; the futon, collection of liquor bottles, beer pong table. I’d lived here before. Lorraine flattened the futon and instructed me to lie down. She sat beside me.
“How are you feeling now?” She put her hand on the back of my neck. They were ice cold. “My hands are always cold,” she said. “Sometimes it comes in handy.”
“Go on to the party,” I said. “You don’t have to stay here with me.”
“I don’t mind,” Lorraine said. “Besides, if you want to know the truth, I don’t really like parties. Kaye dragged me out with her tonight. She’s always dragging me along for some guy. Then ditching me.”
“Why do you come out with her, then?”
Lorraine flipped her hand over to the cooler side. “Me and Kaye have been friends since kindergarten. It’s complicated.” She took her hand away. “Sorry,” she said. “I’m warming up.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “I’m feeling better now. You said you were from around here. Kaye said she just moved here from Maryland.”
Lorraine sucked her teeth. “That’s what she tells people. She’s from this little place called Beaverdam.” She lowered her eyes at me and smiled. “Believe me, I could write a book.”
I sat up on my elbow. I wanted her to smile like that again. “I could too.”
“About who?”
“Mr. Hysterics or whatever.”
She laughed, snorting a little. I pretended not to notice. “I bet it wouldn’t be as shocking as mine.”
“Oh really? Well how about this. Steve don’t have a condo at the beach. He lives in our great aunt’s attic,” I said. “His rent is twenty-five dollars a month.”
“What?” she said. She threw her head back and laughed. When she did, the strap of her tank top slipped down. “That’s pretty good, but listen to this. Kaye hasn’t been to class since the first week of school. And her parents have already paid for the semester.”
“Oh Lord,” I said. “Hold on, hold on. Steve never even applied to college because his girlfriend dumped him and he got too depressed to fill out applications.”
“Alright, alright,” Lorraine said. “I got one you can’t top. Every single month, I’m talking, every single month, Kaye has a pregnancy scare.”
Lorraine leaned back on her elbows, laughing so hard the tops of her boobs shook. I watched her as she reclined back. She was pretty. Every feature was the right size and where it was supposed to be on her face.
“I got one,” I said. “You’ll never be able to top this.”
“Let’s hear it,” she said.
I paused for a minute. “Steve ain’t opening up no business,” I said. “He just says that to pick up girls.” I started laughing, and after awhile realized I was laughing alone. I opened my eyes. She was just sitting there. I’d thought she’d be shaking with laughter.
“So you’re not opening a business either,” she said.
“Uh, no. You see, I didn’t mean to lie. I had to go along with it. For Steve. It’s his line.”
“What do you do then?”
“I’m a farmer. I work with my family. We’re farmers.”
“Uh huh.” She nodded, her face pursed. Then, slowly, her mouth crept into a smile. She tried to stop it, but a few chuckles leached out. “Those two are made for each other.” She got up and walked to the shabby recliner on the other side of the room. “I guess you win, Jeff. Your book is number one. Mine didn’t make the list. Do you want to watch TV?”
I nodded.
“Hopefully something really trashy is on. Like Springer. Or Cheaters.”
She flipped through the channels while I just lay there, like an idiot. I didn’t know what to do. I thought this was it; her apartment, the futon. I was so close. I didn’t know how to get it going again. I put my hand to my forehead. I was all sweaty. The clock on the cable box reminded me how late it was. I watched the minutes change three times. I had to turn my head away when I realized every minute brought me closer to Sunday lunch. Lorraine flipped through the channels so fast I doubt she could see what was on. She rocked in the recliner just as fast. I sat up, even though my pounding head told me not to. There was nothing left to do but walk over there and kiss her.
“Are you alright, Jeff? Do you have to puke?”
“I’m fine.” I stood up and swallowed down hard. I felt like I had a bucket of spit in my mouth.
“Let me get you a trash can,” she said.
“No, stay right there.”
My head was spinning. With each step my stomach sloshed. I had to hold my arms out to keep from falling over. I felt like Frankenstein, lumbering across the room. Her face distorted in fear as she realized what was happening, that I was coming towards her.
“What are you doing?”
I bent down to her level, putting my hands out to grab her head. I was moving so slow she was able to push me backwards before I could get my hands on her. I fell back, hitting my head on the coffee table. I sat up quick to show I was okay. When I did, a wave of nausea overcame me. I held my mouth closed long enough for Lorraine to run and get a trashcan.
“Puke into this, Jeff. Come on.”
I put my face down into that trashcan and let it all go. Chunks spewed up through my throat and out my mouth. After the first wave was finished and before I could catch my breath, it was coming out again. The force of it kept my head down in the trashcan. I was face to face with the pink burger and Kaye was right, it was kind of gray. The whole mess smelled of beer and tequila.
“That’s better now, isn’t it,” Lorraine said.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I probably got some on you.”
“You didn’t,” Lorraine said. “But if you don’t mind, could you take your puke with you when you leave? You can keep the trashcan.”
*
I didn’t blame her much for kicking me out. Here I was, stumbling around this maze of apartments, drunk and crying, carrying my own throw-up in a trashcan. A pitiful sight for anyone to see. I went out to the dumpsters and got rid of the trashcan. After that, I didn’t have to wander around long before I heard Steve’s loud mouth and Kaye’s giggling.
It was a huge party, so I had no trouble walking into that stranger’s apartment. I followed Steve’s voice out onto the balcony. He was sitting on the ledge, his arm around Kaye. There was a group of guys sitting below him in folding chairs, passing a joint.
“The loss of the entrepreneurial spirit in America, it’s a tragedy,” Steve was saying. The people below voiced their agreement. He stopped talking to take his toke. When he saw me, he started coughing.
“Where’s Lorraine?” Kaye said.
“She’s at home.”
“What stinks?” some dude said.
Steve handed me the joint. “What have you been getting into?” He patted me on the back. “Didn’t I tell you I wouldn’t disappoint? Hey, everybody, it’s his bachelor party.”
“So?” I heard some dude say, then they all laughed. I looked Steve in the eyes.
“I don’t love her anymore,” I said.
“What?” Steve said.
“Who’s he talking about?” Kaye asked.
“Hey, man, puff, puff, pass.”
I handed the joint to the stink police. Then, I grabbed Steve by the shoulders, pulled him to me and said, right up to his ear, “I don’t love her.”
Steve pulled away and looked at me, dropping, just for a second, that smirk his face always held. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Hey, wait,” Kaye said. “Where are you going?”
Without even looking at her, Steve pushed me towards the exit. “Come on. Let’s go.” One of the dudes started a slow clap.
We found a Waffle House and ordered up some coffee. It was strong and they kept it coming.
“Why do you have to marry her?” Steve said.
We’d already been over this four times.
“Haven’t you been paying attention? She’s pregnant with my kid.”
“The kid’ll get over it,” Steve said. “You could still be there for it. Don’t sacrifice your future happiness.”
I shook my head. “It ain’t about me no more. My life is no longer mine.” I put out my cigarette, coughing up pure ash. “I swear that’s my last one.”
Steve laughed. “Hey, man. Let me throw you another bachelor party. This one doesn’t count.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “This was, enough. Thank you.”
*
I dropped Steve off at Aunt Winn’s, had a hot shower, some coffee, then rode by the pawn shop before going to Christy’s. I was two hours early and feeling like hell. She was still in her night gown.
“Jeff, I’m so relieved,” she said. She couldn’t take her eyes off her hand even though the diamond whatn’t that big. She looked small, standing in the middle of the linoleum floor, in the kitchen of her grandma’s little green house, right by the railroad tracks in Whiteville. Her black hair stuck to her wet face. The fabric of her nightgown spread a little over her belly, distorting the flower pattern, where Austin was curled up, listening to all of this.
I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward me. “I’ll do my best for you. And the baby. I promise.”
I kissed her lips, wet with tears, then rubbed her stomach. I waited for you to kick, to let me know you’d heard my promise, but you never did.
